Not Another Gift Guide! On Aparigraha, Presents and Presence
Living yoga and subverting the season’s dominant trend by realizing we live in a moth’s world
Sick of gift guides yet? Tired of all the seductive Instagram ads for sparkly things to give family, friends, partners, business associates, concierges or teachers? Do you want to stop this crazy hedonic treadmill?
I do.
Allow me to introduce you to an OG precept from The Yoga Sutras: Aparigraha. Often defined as non-attachment, non-grasping or non-clinging, Aparigraha is one of the ancient yogis’ life hacks for guiding our behavior away from cupidity toward a state of presence: presence as in being present in the here and now, but also presence as in being ok with the world (and us in it) as it is. No striving, no comparing ourselves to others, no dog-paddling in a ragged attempt to keep up.
Goodbye, greed. Hello, aparigraha.
In The Yoga Sutras, Aparigraha is one of a family of fives codes (Yamas) for navigating our social ecosystems:
The Yamas are the ethical principles that govern your behavior in the world that surrounds you. Another translation of Yamas is “social restraints” which is helpful when you need to remember how they relate to your everyday life. The Yamas are all about dealing with O.P., Other People. That’s the “social” part.
Aparigraha is accompanied in the list of Yamas by four other precepts: Ahimsa (non-harming), Satya (truthfulness), Asteya (non-stealing), and Brahmacharya (temperance). As a roadmap for the yogic path, these five Yamas taken together remind us to:
Be kind. (Ahimsa)
Be honest. (Satya)
Be generous. (Asteya)
Respect boundaries. (Brahmacharya)
Be ok with imperfection. (Aparigraha)
The Yamas1 are about relationship, about our rapport with our environment and the people in it. That includes us, too.
Aparigraha in a yoga class
In the context of a yoga class, Aparigraha is often invoked by teachers to remind us to release ideas of perfectionism and/or to tame our atavistic desire to check a pose off our ‘To Do’ list. Not so easy in our material world to separate our primitive need for acquisition from lofty ideas about non-possessiveness 🤗 but Aparigraha, like yoga itself, is a practice and takes time.
The best way to find Aparigraha in a yoga class is through our breath because focusing on our breath urges our attention into the present.
Inhale, exhale: this is now. Inhale, exhale: this, too, is now.
Inhale: now.
Exhale: now.
And on and on.
When we forget the breath, we ruminate over an imperfect pose from three seconds ago or sprint forward into visions of a future perfect Durvasana. Breathing with awareness is Aparigraha embodied. It brings us back to Now, over and over again.
Aparigraha right now, wherever you might be
Out in the world, Aparigraha can help us cultivate a softer, low tack connection to things—both material and immaterial—and help us determine which of those things deserve care. As it is with old pants or moth-chomped woolens (thank you, Alexa Chung!), so it is with the patterns or habits or psychological schemas that no longer serve us. Aparigraha teaches us to loosen the past’s grip on our present, to allow the future to unfurl at its own pace.
Breathe consciously while waiting in line at the pharmacy. Breathe when the clerk rejects your passport photo for the ten millionth time (true story). Breathe when the concierge’s wife rips you a new one (true story). Detach, slacken your grip, unclench your expectations.
And even though it can sound a bit callous, it’s ok to ‘non-grasp’ friendships. People change (this is something to celebrate!) and holding on tightly out of familiarity is neither kind (Ahimsa) nor honest (Satya) nor generous (Asteya) nor respectful of boundaries (Brahmacharya). Being able to recognize the relationship as it is right now—in the present moment—is Aparigraha, too.
Aparigraha, Presents and Presence
As much as we’d love to say to a five-year-old, “This year in lieu of a gift, I am giving you my full attention” it won’t fly. Some situations call for an actual material present, not just your presence. Sorry, we don’t make the rules 😆
Having said that, this is where Aparigraha can come in handy: those times when a gift is expected (holidays, birthdays, anniversaries, weddings, house warmings etc) and the psycho-emotional stakes are unrealistically high. With that in mind:
Pay attention to any hints your gift recipient is dropping (it’s about O.P!)
Don’t micromanage (non-clinging!) the gift unwrapping; let the giftee have their own experience (it’s about O.P!)
If the giftee doesn’t like the present, get over it (non-clinging!) It’s not about you (it’s about O.P!)
Make sure your gift can be returned/exchanged (non-clinging!) and include a gift receipt (it’s about O.P!)
A FEW TIPS FOR BEING OK WITH IMPERFECTION AT THE HOLIDAYS:
Unpacking the psychology of gift-giving (New York Times, gift link)
Faire le deuil du Noël parfait: 5 conseils de psy pour préserver sa santé mentale (Cosmopolitan)
Give the gift of time this Christmas (The University of Manchester)
3 choses à faire dès maintenant pour affronter la période des fêtes de fin d’année sereinement (Grazia)
Focus on mindfulness to cope with holiday stress (UCLA Health)
To spread joy over the holidays, turn your focus to gratitude, (University of Colorado Boulder)
By the way, these definitions are rather unconventional by classical yoga standards which bend toward what not to do. We prefer to define the Yamas with language that emphasizes actions that can be taken, rather than behaviors to avoid. Do you have other interpretations? Share in the Comments!
The moth thing though… I had no idea my old apartment’s closet was teaching me a yogic lesson. 😂😩🤣
Yes! Love all of this so much, Martine! Helpful and timely. I'm so over mass consumerism and the abundance of stuff everywhere.